Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wore a mask for two years, you can wear a condom for sex.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   There is no such thing as disinformation. There is only information you accept, and information you do not accept.

   Watching the fork fireworks in the microwave.

   Broken guitar for sale, no strings attached.

   6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

   Hold up ladies and gentle fellows, a delicate genius is about to trill us with his daily regurgitative diatribe.

   Better not be in here spreading truth. ~ Zuckerberg

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.

   At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.

   Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll try to use it.

   If I do a job in 30 minutes, it’s because it took me 25 years to learn how. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

   Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

   Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂

   Faking my own death and starting over with a new identity to reset my targeted ads algorithm.

   I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."