Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better not be in here spreading truth. ~ Zuckerberg

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.

   At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.

   Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll try to use it.

   If I do a job in 30 minutes, it’s because it took me 25 years to learn how. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

   Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

   Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂

   Faking my own death and starting over with a new identity to reset my targeted ads algorithm.

   I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."

   I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every Culture; is the story of Popeye.

   Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

   If it sucks so much, why do you keep coming back? It only sucks when you're here.

   Never treat a Lady like an object, it hates that.

   Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one photo, because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

   Some people need to avoid touching two faces.

   I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

   All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.