Funny Status Messages

   Devin Nunes is also sorry: 1) He told your abusive husband where you were hiding. 2) You were born poor. 3) He didn't ask Vlad for more cash.

   Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?

   Melania better drink a lot of coffee and water today, because it will take several minutes of getting peed on to help the Donald recover from this blow.

   Note to self - playing the Trump card isn't as effective when the Trump is a joker.

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.