Funny Status Messages

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

   Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

   Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"

   She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.

   I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.

   Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.

   I didn’t call you fat; I said proper wood furniture normally doesn’t scream like that

   In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.

   There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.

   If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Just once I would like to cross my I's and dot my T's

   hey! hey! hey! - Bill Cosby after spiking a woman's drink.

   Does it look like I know what a polygon is?