Funny Status Messages

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   its never too late to go back to bed.

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?

   Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

   After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

   My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

   Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

   If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39

   As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

   me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good