Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   You survived the winter of death. Let’s see how you do in the summer of starvation.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   If you wore a mask for two years, you can wear a condom for sex.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   There is no such thing as disinformation. There is only information you accept, and information you do not accept.

   Watching the fork fireworks in the microwave.

   Broken guitar for sale, no strings attached.

   6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

   Hold up ladies and gentle fellows, a delicate genius is about to trill us with his daily regurgitative diatribe.