Funny Status Messages
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Direct deposit $1400: Me at McDonald’s: sir did just say how much are the French fries? Me: takes the mask off no I said how much is the franchise. 
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.
Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now
How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed
If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running
Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?
Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅
Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix
Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.
RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?
"You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey
You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!
So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State).
My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.
So according to CNN and Sky News, 2017 was the 2nd wettest year on record. Personally I blame "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions" 