SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   Technically wouldn't all of Denver be in the mile high club?

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities."

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.

   We have so much in common. You want to travel, and I want you to go.