Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   back pain is just youth leaving the body

   "Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?