Funny Status Messages

   "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

   A 9 year old boy goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." She says, "You're just a kid, do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," said the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section

   No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

   wonders why the Kia Soul commercial doesn't have rats instead of hamsters. I mean, they live in NY, listen to rap music and drive a Kia Soul for Christ's sake!

   A priceless moment is when the person that you have fallen in love with, looks you right in the eyes to tell you that they have fallen in love with you...

   comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is.

   has done his bit for the environment today by switching to natural gas. It was the best bowl of beans I've had in a while.

   First they came for the wealthy, and I did not speak out--because I was not wealthy;Then they came for the business owners, and I did not speak out--because I was not a business owner; Then they came after my money--and there was no one left to speak for

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   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   right now am kinda having that "awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him!!! ಠ_ಠ !"

   which kind of vinegar must your bath towel smell like until you actually get a clean one?

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   usually enjoys Black Friday shopping after he's eaten a heapin' helping of baked beans and broccoli.

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Did jay-z call beyonce feyonce after he proposed?

   Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.