Funny Status Messages

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs. Happy Easter!

   sorry about thoes texts I sent last night, my phone was drunk.

   I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck

   At a time like this I wonder...What would Jimmy Buffett do???

   As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)

   Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. Do you think he'll have a triangle shaped tombstone???

   "The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   Don't get too excited about Die-ins. They're not really dead! They're just acting like they can't take orders from police.