SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My Court date is pending.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   My “Sleep Number” is pretty much 24/7.

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   "I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.