totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ

   Now that Bin Laden is polluting the Arabian Sea, I hear the sharks have declared "Jihad!"

   I'm still wondering why people were so uptight about that meteor that nearly hit earth a few days ago....It seems to me we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any assistance from an asteroid!

   Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.

   Researchers have indicated that one anonymous sperm donor has fathered over 1200 children in the past 20 years...Unfortunately for him, he had to retire after he blew out his elbow! ツ

   So it's 12/12/12...not the date, but the IQ's of Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton! ツ

   I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass!

   Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ

   just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!

   I would rather soak my berry's in maple syrup and sit on an ant hill than diddle Arnold Swartzenegger's baby momma!

   I think A.D.D. must have been called P.A.K. when I was young because the only thing I can remember teachers yelling was "Pay Attention Kid!"

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!

   Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   A huge sink-hole opened up and swallowed a Florida redneck while he was watching TV in his bedroom...If only a few of these were conveniently located under the Whitehouse and Capitol Hill, America might be a better place...Just sayin.

   Jeez it's hot again...Today I've opted to wear my Dyson Air Multiplier around my neck!

   Due to the coal shortage Santa will be giving Nickelback CD's to all the bad kids this year!

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!