lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..