Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.