Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   I like to do nothing for people. Then when they say " Thanks for nothing", I say It was the least I could do.

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”