Aaron Funny Status Messages

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.