@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a bumper sticker saying, "My Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" I may not be worldly, but I have never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   President Trump should act more presidential. Instead of ignoring reporters, he should do what our current president does, and BANS THEM from the press conferences..

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .