Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   I fart on a first date.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.