Funny Status Messages

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

   My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

   Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.

   I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams

   Not only are parents finding out their kids can't read, the kids are finding out that their parents can't read either during this quarantine

   I wore a mask to run errands today Accidentally robbed a bank

   Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you.

   How TF Nieman Marcus filed for chpt11 bankruptcy when one of their clothes rack can pay for all of our student loans?