Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.