Funny Status Messages
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When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter." 
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.
You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.
New chapters in The Art of the Deal sequel: 1) Insult Your Way to an Unpassable Health Bill. 2) Build the Wall and Make Mexico Pay Nothing.
Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.
On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts.
We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.
The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.
You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."
Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.
A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!
Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.
I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo
Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?
Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist
my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh 