Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in