SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   I like songs that list a lot of things then have a chorus about the end of the world that's on fire as we know it & it's always burning.