LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!

   Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   Why does David Hasselhoff call himself "The Hoff"? Because he couldn't put up with the hassle.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   Happy 75th Birthday,Elvis!

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

   What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...