Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dang Gurl, are you an appendix? Because this feeling in my gut makes me want to take you out.

   Censorship is why Twitter is at the bottom of Dante’s Hell.

   Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   Be the person no one was prepared to deal with.

   I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If you’re being heckled in public like Mike Tyson was, you should legally be able to kick that person’s a$$. This generation thinks they can get away with anything.

   Life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.

   How does it feel to be so weak that mere words offend you? Your ancestors must be so proud.

   Just deleted everyone that I wouldn’t fist fight in a KFC parking lot. So, if you’re reading this, don’t let me catch you in a KFC parking lot.

   It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision.

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   Just checking, I heard a loud pop and thought you may have pulled your head out of your a$$.

   Old Turkish Proverb: “When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus.”

   Thinking is hard, perhaps you should leave that to your betters.

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   It’s been “one of those days,” for like 3 years now.

   How she looks at you when she wants the carrot. ~ Mr. Rabbit

   April Fool’s Day was suspended this year due to all the unbelievable crap going on in the world right now.

   White Claw tastes like a canned fart.