Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."

   Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.

   My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.

   Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."

   You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.

   As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....

   Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.

   Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.

   its not very often I act my age but when I do its fcuking boring !!

   Wonders if Jay Z ever addressed the 99 other problems he had.

   The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.

   North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...

   it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.

   Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.

   Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

   Please remember that daylight savings is in one month so you can complain about it on Facebook.

   Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.