Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you enjoy loud wails, eating dinner cold, unexpected slime, and not showering properly for days....Smile! You're a Parent.

   You seem like someone desperate enough to LIKE your own FB posts.

   Coworker: I have an announcement to make. We are expecting twins. Me: Congrats on having 2 kids with the same father!

   My friend asked me if I'd ever be ready to go to a nudist colony. "Mate... I was born ready".

   A belated congrats to the Sham Wow people for having the balls to sell a product on TV with the word "sham" in the name.

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.

   I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.

   Of course I play volleyball. In fact I’m very good at it. Just give me the damn racket and I show yow you...

   Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.

   Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.

   And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."

   Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   I can't believe Carrot Tops career is so bad he has to climb Trump Tower with a bag full of props.....

   We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.

   SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.

   Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.

   If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.