SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".

   Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.

   "Herpes!"-What I see when your Facebook status says "Vegas, baby!"

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.