Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Them: What is your plan if a big war starts? Me: I’m pretty sure my boss wants me to work that day, so I guess I’m working.

   Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part, let it out girl.

   Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. I cannot be everywhere all at once.

   Failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

   Tu Youyou ~ The first woman to win a Nobel Prize for medicine. Also known for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

   My mortgage identifies as a student loan.

   The .50 caliber handgun, when there’s a burglar behind a refrigerator at your neighbor’s house.

   The Monkeypox vaccine will only be available in suppository form.

   Before you speak, ask yourself a few questions. Is it necessary? Is it funny? Will everyone understand it? Will it offend someone? Glad to help.

   If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them… it’s not chocolate! 🐰🐣🐇

   Co-workers are like string lights. They all hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.

   One day I would like to turn on the news and hear, “There is Peace on Earth.”

   They should just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory.

   Don’t pick a fight, but if you do find yourself in one, I suggest you make damn sure you win.

   A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

   Dear social media platform, it’s not your job to fact check our posts. You’re a platform, not a publisher.

   That look your boss gives you when you request April 20th off.

   “See you in hell.” Are you asking me on a date? I accept.