Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People need to understand the difference between want & need. Like I want to have hot body but I need chicken nuggets.

   Last month Ferrari introduced a new super sports car with a price tag of $2.2 million. They already sold out all 200 that were available. Darn! I shouldn't have taken so long trying to decide what color I wanted.

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?