Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!

   Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

   My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

   A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.

   My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}