Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   "Survivors remorse" proves who the real narcissists are...

   and I thought Bi-polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference

   Let my Tinder dates know I'm a bad boy by showing them the comments teachers left on my school reports.

   I'm more like a party canceling planner.

   Haven't had ice cream or alcohol in two weeks. I'm not sure which is more impressive but I did used to make alcoholic milkshakes.

   Interior designers say your home should have a theme. Mine is toys on the floor of every room, paired with piles of laundry as focal points.

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.

   Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You

   Rule number one for our new Ice Maker: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!

   You're only as stupid as the idiot you're arguing with....

   It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....

   The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".

   Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?

   Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.

   Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.