Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?