Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   Super bowl sunday is now also known as Janet Jackson appreciation day.

   I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.