Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.

   Don't you hate it when you're angry for a certain reason, and someone makes you smile. It's just.... just... I'M TRYING TO BE ANGRY DAMMIT.

   've got a pretty good pre-rapture music mix going: "End of the World as We Know It," Jackson Browne's "Disco Apocalypse" and "Before the Deluge." And, of course, "Stairway to Heaven." Any other suggestions?

   The best way to make somebody remember you is,borrow money from them..

   There is nothing wrong with saying no every once in awhile. It may piss a few people off but at least you will have some piece of mind!

   Hide and seek undefeated Champion, Osama Bin Laden 2001-2011!

   Say "Hi!" to Saddam for us, Bin Laden.

   When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   It's International Womens Day ... thank you women... if it were'nt for women 1/2 of us wouldn't be here.......what? ....