Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.

   The vending machine gave me an extra bag of Skittles today, hope my Dad loves his Father's Day gift.

   Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.

   My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.