SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Remember that movie from the 80's where Robert Downey Jr. blew a guy and then died from a coke overdose? Was that "Gremlins"?

   My attention has no span.

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Tip! If the party invitation mentions 'festivities', 'ball pit' and 'face painting' - it's most definitely B.Y.O.B. You are welcome!

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.