SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   Today is national VD awareness day, please wish all of your single friends a warm and happy VD.

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   so this lady is buying a birthday card and diet suppliments, cant help but wonder if these items are not related or if she's just a b!tch

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....