Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.