Aaron Funny Status Messages

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   There is a great need for sarcasm font

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   Life is a journey, with plenty of stops at the liquor store to make it bearable.