Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   Found On Sale At Walmart: Hillary's Wall Street speeches, only $249,999.99 each.

   Everyone is an atheist until you drop their baby....

   It took him 5 seconds to talk about Mexico and China. *sigh*

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   In 1813 Women had no rights. In 1913 women had some rights. In 2013 women think they're always right.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   Q:How many games have the Kentucky Wildcats lost in their history? A: None... but they've been cheated out of a lot

   4/26 Happy 48th birthday Melania

   What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

   The same people who were making tiktok videos when quarantine started are the ones rioting now

   Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.