Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal. 
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he can? .... No, because he can't make a fist.
Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote
Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee* Therapist: You’re late again Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes
Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.
Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.
Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.
I never understood why the
Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?
I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."
No, I didn't gain weight over the holidays....I'm just retaining Christmas cookies, that's all....
What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.
the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?" 