SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.

   James Gandolfini is dead of a heart attack and Dick Cheney is alive and well. So go ahead and remove "karma" from the dictionary.

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.