Aaron Funny Status Messages

   My transformation into a baby seal is almost complete.

   As students return to campus, remember, college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   I've never seen a shark throw up. That might be something.

   Time flies when you're having fun, so the more you enjoy life the quicker you'll be dead.

   I love the stick figure family's on your car windows they let me know how many garbage bags to bring to the murder.

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.

   Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.