SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   We'll be with you soon, starving people of the world, first we need to fight over the ideologies of our fast-food restaurants.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.

   Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!

   I'm convinced that you could start a fire with the insides of a just nuked Hot Pocket.