Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   My superpower is common decency.

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   I'm nothing like this generation. I just live in it.

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.