SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches/psychics.

   What would it take to bring back fat Al Roker? I feel like we were a better America then.

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   Gotta check my undies; I just made a Joyful Noise.

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning. I also understand the concept of space flight. Doesnt mean I'm going to the moon anytime soon.

   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

   A 100-year-old man ran a full-length marathon today. And then a 40-year-old man sent a tweet about it while eating ice cream on his couch.

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   If anyone needs to walk near the left side of my house it's cool because I went ahead and took care of that enormous spider web with my face.

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”