SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

   I now have the same number of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?