LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”

   Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

   ..if I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet ,i'll put shoes on my cats!

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   I went to the bookshop and asked "How much are your "For Dummies" books?" The guy replied "How much ya got?"

   Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday... Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it ,Jo?

   ..is making it look she has an IPad by drawing out the internet on her Etch-a-Sketch.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   How can you tell if your chocolate Easter bunny is male or female? Bite it's head off. If it's hollow,it's a male.

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   ..lost £50 on the Super Bowl. That's the last time I bet on a horse.

   If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.

   Sex,Drugs & Sausage Rolls.

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.