SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   Nicholas Cage is the Nickleback of actors.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again